Artist explores 'beautiful mess' of motherhood

An artist who spent years trying to have a baby through IVF has created an exhibition exploring motherhood.

Emma Howell, 34, from Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, gave birth to her daughter in February 2025 after what she described as a "gruelling" IVF process.

Her exhibition, Day after Day, looks at the first 18 months of motherhood through four seasons: Overstimulation, endurance, lessons and becoming.

"It's beautiful, it's wonderful, it's all of those words, but it's also full of grit and sadness and jealousy of the old life," she said.

"It's a mess, but a beautiful mess."

Howell said her experience of infertility and IVF had consumed her identity, leaving her with complex emotions that she was still trying to process.

"It was just the jealousy," she said.

"It overtakes every ounce of your being and just the waiting and the phone calls and the tests and it just completely consumes you."

She said that, despite wanting a child for so long, she had not been prepared for the reality of motherhood.

"Up until the day she was born, it was almost kind of disbelief. It's denial. It's constant denial.

"And when she was born, did I have that overwhelming sense of rush of love?

"No, I didn't, because I was just so scared about what's next.

"And obviously I was so focused on the infertility and actually getting pregnant, the having the baby bit I didn't even think about."

After wanting a baby for so long, Howell said she felt an "overwhelming sense of guilt" through the difficult times.

"She cried all day, she kind of had colicky episodes for the first six months.

"I still, to this day, have hard days, and I think maybe was the universe telling me I shouldn't have been a mother?"

She said motherhood had also changed her understanding of identity.

"Everyone always puts pressure on, once you have a baby, get back to the old you.

"But there is no old, that person is gone."

But Howell said her daughter was "very active, lovely and happy."

"I'm very grateful for her."

Howell's exhibition explores the passing of time, with the days of early motherhood often feeling repetitive while huge changes take place.

The title Day after Day also has a personal meaning for Howell, abbreviating to DAD in honour of her father, Mark Howell, a local musician who died 10 years ago.

"He will always be woven into all of my artwork. He was a creative person, a musician. My pursuit in his life is to just continue his legacy. It just feels like a kind of inner calling, so painting isn't really optional for me."

Day after Day is on display at Sixteen Gallery in Montpellier, Cheltenham, from 25-30 September.

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