Music Features

That festival feeling

Firstly, you'll need to set the scene, so throw a few buckets of water over the lawn and flower beds to ensure there's plenty of mud in which to wallow. Take the telly down the garden on a long extension lead - unless it's raining, in which case you'll just have to make do with a battery-powered radio. And it goes without saying that you'll need a tent.

Copyright Mark Danson

The rules

For a true festival experience you'll need to limit your access to life's little luxuries. So, you're allowed only one shower throughout your two or three day excursion - and then only a COLD one! No shaving, and that includes your legs, ladies! In fact, the only time you should re-enter your house is to use the toilet, unless you do actually own a chemical loo, in which case you're a very strange person. When you use the toilet, you should remember to queue behind at least ten imaginary people.

Festival friends

It's always best if you can enlist the help of other 'Festival Virgins' to share the back garden experience with you. But, if you're a true Billy-no-mates, then it's perfectly feasible to go it alone, although no matter how socially-inept you are, you should attempt to make at least two or three 'imaginary friends' while you're there.

You should also enlist the help of your parents. Put an apron on your mum and ask her to play the role of 'outside catering lady'. Pin a makeshift security badge on your dad and ask him to be a steward. Trust me, they will love you for including them in your festival experience.

Arriving at the festival

Once you've packed your limited supplies, you should arrive at the gate (your back door) to be greeted by Security (your dad). Security will no doubt confiscate your supply of (prescription) drugs, but don't despair, you'll have stashed the necessaries down your pants.

Ah, at last you've arrived. Now, walk around your garden at least five times (festival sites are enormous, after all) looking for a suitable pitch. Set up your tent close to the muddy flower bed and remember to stick a flag or a banner on the top, so that it's easily recognisable when you return to the sea of similar-looking tents, half-cut, at 3am in the morning!

Get out your beer

OK, so apologies to our under-age readers and their concerned parents, but we're talking 'festival fever' here, and it goes without saying that just a tad of alcohol might be involved. Your beer should always be warm, and always drunk from a paper or plastic cup. And to look really cool, you'll need a bottle of water attached to you at all times.

Get with the vibe

You're here for the music, so if your festival isn't being broadcast on the telly, you'll need to switch on your radio or Walkman. If you can utilise the TV (crumbs, MTV will do, surely?), set it up at least 20ft away so that you can hear it, but you're not entirely sure who's actually on the stage. Move the TV at regular intervals as you traverse the various stages and music tents at your festival.

You should always have one of the following in your hand - beer, water or fags. If you have a mate, get on his shoulders and sway back and forth with your arms in the air. If you're a girl, either wear a bikini top, or go with the urge to rip off your t-shirt when it gets too hot. On no account worry about the noise or your behaviour. Security (your dad) will no doubt tell you if it's getting a bit out of hand!

Got the munchies?

Time to bond with your mum, also known as 'outside catering lady'. Refuse to eat anything that doesn't include the words felafel or tofu in its name. If possible, ask your mum to serve your meal through the kitchen window, or the cat flap for that true festival foodie experience. If she ends up bringing you a three-course dinner on a tray, then you've both clearly lost the plot.

Safety first

So, it's time to stagger back to the campsite, but, have you taken the telly back inside? If you're too far gone to attempt this, you can always enlist the help of Security. He will be more than happy to ensure that the family's TV set isn't left in the garden all night.

Walk the perimeter of your garden a few times to emulate the the long trek back to your tent. Try to remember which flag or banner is yours and if you're really into this, you could unzip your tent a number of times and apologise to the copulating inhabitants before eventually arriving at your own little haven of solitude. Do not undress unless you're very sad and have packed your PJs.

Rise and shine!

Ah yes - it's the morning after the night before. Ensure you step out of your tent straight into your pre-prepared muddy flower bed. Locate a flat beer from the night before and drink. Stagger towards 'outside catering lady', forgetting all about your well-intentioned vegetarian leanings and ask for a bacon buttie - via the catflap. Begin again... Start all over again with the TV, the radio, the dancing thing etc.

Success!

Now you have truly been through the back garden festival experience, you can pat yourself on the back. You are, my son, no longer a 'Festival Virgin'. Go forth and party...