JACK: Hi. This is Jack.
RALPH: And I’m Ralph. Uh, and these are the items we can’t live without on the island where we crash landed.
First up, the conch.
JACK: Conch.
RALPH: We use it for meetings all the time. If you’ve never used it before, I really recommend it.
JACK: Great for group calls, actually.
That’s an E flat. Sorry, sorry. That’s an E flat.
RALPH: Choir boy, guilty.
JACK: Okay. Chief chorister, actually.
RALPH: All right. So the conch is probably the most important—
JACK: Hoping to be chief.
RALPH: Mate. Okay, we can’t have everybody talking at once. I’ll give the conch to the next person to speak. He can hold it when he’s speaking, yeah, and he won’t be interrupted.
Except by me, of course, ’cause I’m the chief.
RANDOM BOY: Lucky you.
JACK: Next, a set of choir robes. And if you can, a choir to go with them.
RALPH: Luckily, we all crash‑landed together.
JACK: Yeah, the choir belongs to you, of course.
RALPH: Yeah, I was thinking they could be the army.
JACK: Yeah, yeah. Or hunters.
RALPH: What do you want them to be?
JACK: Army.
RALPH: Hunters.
JACK: Next… glasses.
PIGGY: Oi, those are mine!
RALPH: Okay, Piggy’s glasses. Now these are a must‑have.
PIGGY: As in, I must have them to see!
JACK: Shut up. Shut up.
RALPH: Okay, so these glasses are essential.
PIGGY: Give me my specs!
JACK: La‑la‑la‑la‑la.
RALPH: Plus, you can use them to start a fire.
JACK: Ugh, not this again.
RALPH: The fire’s the most important thing.
JACK: He loves this.
RALPH: Without the fire, we can’t be rescued. We want to have fun, and we want to be rescued.
You let the fire go out!
JACK: Oh, we can light the fire again.
RALPH: What happens if a ship goes past? How could you do that?
JACK: Look, I was hunting with the choir boys.
RALPH: I haven’t finished yet. I’ve got the conch. Now you can go.
JACK: Thank you. Okay, I’ll sort this out. Altos — you keep the fire going this week. And trebles? Week off.
RALPH: This is a clay and charcoal mask. It’s all locally sourced. Sometimes I just lose myself in it.
JACK: Jack, conch.
RALPH: I feel liberated from shame and self—
JACK: Conch!
RALPH: We don’t need the conch anymore. We know who ought to say things.
JACK: You’re breaking the rules.
RALPH: Who cares?
JACK: The rules. Has anyone got any green?
RALPH: The rules are the only thing we’ve got.
JACK: Not true. I’ve got these glasses.
RALPH: They’re Piggy’s glasses.
JACK: Nope. They’re mine now.
RALPH: Right, give them back.
JACK: No.
RALPH: Give them back.
JACK: No.
RALPH: No.
JACK: Give them back.
RALPH: Make me. Give—
JACK: No, no, no. Where are your robes? You’re naked.
RALPH: We’re off grid, aren’t we, boys? Off grid, off grid, off grid!
But what about the fire? We literally can’t live without it.
JACK: You and your fire. You know, you used to be so fun.
RALPH: It represents our chance of rescue.
JACK: Does the fire have to represent something?
RALPH: Okay — thoughts, contouring?
JACK: Okay, let’s go kill a pig!
RALPH: Off we go.
JACK: No.
RALPH: Yippee!
JACK: Oh.
RALPH: If I blow the conch and they don’t come back, we’ve had it. They’ll come back.
JACK: Yeah, we’ve had it.
RALPH: Thank you so much for joining us for our essential items. Our essential items.
JACK: Um, yeah. Hope to see you soon. Please. Please. Please rescue us.
Description
Lord of The Flies’ Jack and Ralph share the conch to take us through their most essential items for being stranded on a desert island in this social media parody.
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