dancer: See David dance. It is a sight to behold. David likes to perform on Comic Relief day and whenever he has a bit too much to drink down Chasers.

philosopher: David's approach to life is inspired by many great philosophers. Confucious, Descartes, Rimbaud and Botham.

poet: 'I froze your tears and made a dagger...'

satirist: David has a cutting and incisive sense of humour. His heroes are Milligan, Cleese, Everett, Sessions.

humanitarian: David is the Bob Geldof of the paper merchant world. The bi-annual Comic Relief day is rigidly adhered to at Wernham-Hogg. Comedy and saving lives - what could be better?

new man: Antiquated chauvinism is a stranger to David. He has grasped the New Man nettle with both hands and run with it.

footballer: David is a footballing wunderkind. Ferdinand, Owen, Becks and Neville eat your hearts out.