River City Feed

It's Judgement Day

2013-01-08T15:35:00+00:00

Tonight’s the big night, Shieldinch Fans!

It's a New Year and a fresh fight. After weeks of sneakiness, Eileen and Raymond are finally forced to come face to face and have their day in court. No more tricks, private investigators or scrabble heart attacks, it's time for them to face the music!

Come back to the River City website after tonight's episode to vote on who has your support and who has got you chomping at the bite. Live tweet whether you're #teameileen or #teamraymond and vote by following @bbcscotland

Sir Gabriel Of Brodie and The Tale of His Pesky Scarf

2012-09-14T13:26:34+00:00

Donald and Will look on the dead body of Angie

Woah.

Well that was an emotional rollercoaster wasn’t it? As the bodies piled up in Donald’s hood, things were heating up for Gabriel in Shieldinch. Who knew they’d be pulling everyone’s favourite prostitute Angie from under that blanket? Packed off on the subway, we, like Gabriel, were convinced she’d make it to the safety of London and away from the clutches of Shady Sean. Sad face. But never fear, Donald and Will are on the case. And Donald wanted every nook and cranny checked for evidence (or maybe more bodies). Every hedge, every skip and every bin (we’re guessing wheely bins, wastepaper baskets don’t hold as much evidence!). If he could just clear these pesky murders up, he’d be the best officer in the land.

But while Donald and Will were hitting the streets to catch this murderer, poor Gabe was walking the streets of Shieldinch happy as larry. He had no idea Angie was kaput. He thought she was enjoying the Olympic delights of London. The key mistake everyone made though was to believe that Sean was really gone. He’s still got a few of those dodgy laptops to shift. And not one to hide in the shadows for too long, Shady Sean rocked up at the least likely place - the police station - with a face full of concern. And what are those, tears? Is he…acting? Turns out Sean is a bit of a thespian at heart. And referring to Donald and Will as Batman and Robin? Didn’t we start that? Has Sean been reading our blog?!

So just as Gabriel was trying to patch things up with the family – the police reared their ugly heads. The revelation that Gabriel brought Angie into the Brodie House to keep her safe holds no sway with Leyla – she wants nothing more to do with him. Is this the end of The Geyla…for good?

After all that, Gabriel’s arrest in the street, for all the world to see. Here at RC Towers we’ve not screamed at the TV so loud in a long time! GABRIEL IS TELLING THE TRUTH – HONEST DONALD! Angie took his scarf…she did. The fight really was faked – really! We thought Hamish was coming to the rescue for a moment, but the appearance of Angie’s jacket dumped outside the arcade…that’s pretty damning. Surely Sir Gabriel of Brodie isn’t capable of something like this? And so we left Gabriel in the cop shop wondering where it all went wrong. I think it started with some dodgy booze and a van full of laptops. Such simple beginnings. Let that be a lesson to us all, kids.

And when Sean wasn’t turning on the waterworks for the polis, he was tormenting poor Raymondo once more. Flirting with a terrified Eileen and threatening little Stu-Stu? Well that pure gave us the creeps. Forced into a corner, Raymondo thought he had no choice but to go to Lenny for help…and a gun. Oh Raymond, gone are the days when the mere threat of a gun was enough to scare away a gangster. Once upon a time, hide a banana in your coat pocket, and it would be enough. But Lenny’s right – you point a gun at Sean, you might have to use it. He’s well used to getting his five-a-day.

With all the stress of a double murder and Donald on his back, Will’s stressed at work again. NO WILL, PLEASE NOT AGAIN! We loved Robbie’s act of defiance in opening the door to Deek…but little did we know it would end as it did – a hit and run on Montego Street! Poor Deek, trying to protect his bezzie, and running into the path of an oncoming car. We’re keeping fingers, toes, eyes, everything crossed for wee Deek’s health.

Next week: It’s all happening in Shieldinch, with the aftermath of Deek’s accident, Gabriel’s arrest and Sean continuing to turn the screws on Raymondo.

Quote of the week:

Eileen hands Raymond a letter suspending his license.

Raymond: I don’t believe this.

Eileen: You had gangsters in here doing an arms deal. There was a sub-machine gun in the flippin’ bar, what did you expect?

Finally – a big congratulations to everyone who won tickets to see preview screenings of the 10^th Anniversary Episodes over the next couple of weeks. We’re looking forward to hearing what you think on next week’s blog!

Aaaaaaaaangie! You Don’t Have to Turn on the Red Light

2012-09-07T17:54:46+00:00

Angie's reaction to her reassignment

Jeez Louise, we’ve been waiting on that for weeks now! All Hail the return of Sir Gabe! He finally lost the black jacket of pimpdom and donned the white hat of a hero. F-i-n-a-l-l-y. We were more than a little worried that Gabes was so scared of Sean that he wasn’t actually going to help Angie when Sean decided to send her to his mate’s flat in Newcastle (which sounds like the seventh circle of hell from Angie’s description). All it took was for Angie to confront Gabriel with the spineless Yes-Man he was becoming for him to see the light.

Well. That and realising the complicated web of connections between him and Angie, up to and including Nicole, Cammy, Sean and his bro Michael, all sung to the tune of ‘It’s a Small World After All’. The people you meet in the strangest places, eh! It was sweet to see Nicole and Angie reunited after the last time they met and for Angie to confront Nicole with a couple of home truths. There may have been affairs happening all over the shop with The Geyla but at least Nicole had a home to come back to and people that cared about her. Poor Angie, it was heart-breaking to hear that the only person she felt ever cared for her was Cammy Tennant (aka Cam the Bam). She deserves so much more. Good on you, Gabe. You finally managed to do something right and put Angie on the Clockwork Orange to a brand new life.

But now we are holding our breath. Has the sun finally set on the awful, awful reign of Sean “Shady” Kennedy? Has he gone forever? He did seem pretty panicked when he waved a gun in the Don’s face and he did manage to get Tony the Tiger-Gangster nicked at his arms deal. All in all, looking pretty stupid for him to stick around. But, as Lenny says, how much do we trust Sean Kennedy to be smart?

Across town, Big Bob was handling his recent brush with death with some rice cakes and a large helping of denial. According to him, everyone was overreacting and setting up a healthy-snack lined prison. He’s fine! It took a very quick game of tig with Madonna to convince him otherwise. After everything that happened last week, even Iona raised her eyebrows; telling him to take better care of himself as she broke the news that she was leaving for good. Poor Iona, she definitely looked like a film star and a tragic one at that as she hugged her loved ones goodbye and left Shieldinch for good. Cheerie, Iona! We’ll miss you.

Next week:

Raymond finally gets a break from Shady Sean and is hit with the pub being closed. IN THE FACE! Gabriel is looking cheerier than ever and is that a new ability to talk with Nicole we see?

Quote of the week:

TATIANA: *as Bob starts to get up* Don’t! Even think about it.

BIG BOB: Aye, well, I’m quite comfy right enough.

Eileen and the Tale of Teddy Terror

2012-08-29T16:46:00+00:00

Ever heard the fable about the happy squirrel who tried to do too much? The happy little squirrel decided to help everyone else with their business because she was so fabulously excellent at everything she put her mind to. One day, she saw that her baby-daddy was having problems with a nasty bully who was extorting money from him and so she took the most sensible course of action and...organised a back-alley drug deal! Really Eileen? Really? At what point did this seem like a good idea to you?

Never mind that her plan not only involved having poor wee Stevie buying her smack, but there was a whole second part that involved her sneaking up on Shady Sean and planting his own smack in his pockets! Who on earth could have seen that plan going wrong? But of course, poor Eileen had no idea what on earth she was getting herself into and really thought she could outwit Shieldinch's Criminal Mastermind. But never underestimate a man who is chauffeured by a bunch of heavies. It was a scary moment there when Sean cornered her in her own house, scary enough for Eileen to go and admit to Will that she decided to try her hand at entrapment. It looked like proper sour grapes when Will had to break it to her that she wasn't above the law. Ouch. That must be hard for her to swallow. So what can we learn from Eileen's experience, kids? Shady Sean isn't a Teddy man...he'd much prefer a Mr Frosty.

But it was poor Stevie who was bearing the brunt of it this week. Despite angrily chewing on his nails and spitting out 'No Comment' when Will accused him of being a drug fiend (again), he looked so sad in his cold prison cell. Didn't you just want to climb into the pokey with him and give him a great big hug? Anyone? No? Just us then. Losing his job was just the cherry on the cake! What's going to happen to the Brodies now without his valuable bartending income? Well, at least Leyla's cut down on her booze expenses.

Speaking of, Leyla has given us a crash course in things NOT to say at your very first AA meeting. In summation, anything involving what an awful drunk everyone is except for you, laughing at the prospect of having to keep yourself sober and, numero uno, telling your sponsor that you'd kill for a drink the minute you leave the AA meeting. No wonder she needed some home truths from the Dashing Doctor Dan.

But what's this? What's this we hear? Are you leaving us Doctor Dan? Who are these Peace Doctors anyway? You could hear the NOOOOOOOOOO all the way in Greenock when our medical genius announced that he's leaving. But let's hope he gets a good send off if he is deserting Shieldinch for pastures new.

Next week:
Is Don Raymondo finally standing up to Shady Sean? And - we can't even bear to think about it - could Will be cheating on our Robbie?

Quote of the week:
Leyla: It's not like I was knocking back cans on the steps of the library or anything!
Sees man sitting next to her who has clearly done just that.
Leyla: ...uh....sorry.

He's Got 99 Problems but the Ship Ain't One

2012-07-26T15:52:37+00:00

...Or so Raymond thought. But the lovable landlord of our favourite local found himself properly in the mud this week. Enemies were kept close while friends were stabbed in the back and now we've got Shady Sean and his equally shady cronies hanging around the Ship all day and all night! Poor Raymond. By the end of the day, even Jimmy was done with his bezzie mate when Raymond broke the cardinal rule of Bro-Code - never ban your mate from your bar!

Mind you, he probably didn't really help matters by going all Raging-Bull-De-Niro on us! He stormed round to Lenny's, thumping his chest with passion and pride (proving too much for his 40s-style detective Dictaphone) and then chucked out poor contrite Jimmy with all the pomp and bombast of Paul Vitti in Analyze This!

He even had a handle on the labyrinthine mind games of the Shieldinch Don. The Ship's been ransacked but he's not going to report it to the Police, cause that's what Lenny wants him to do, so Lenny must have a plan that he'll cleverly outwit by not doing the thing that Lenny seems to want him to do. Aha!........eh?

Best be leaving it to the real gangsters, Raymondo. And unfortunately, that's exactly what happened! We thought it was too good to be true when we saw Sean actually being....pleasant? Nice? Polite? And we were right! It was all a ploy to get Raymond in Sean's manky pocket. But Gabes?! What on earth were you doing?! Hands up if you were yelling at your TV in horror when Gabes lied through his teeth and stuck up for Sean? Immediately delivered, discounted booze with no money upfront, Raymond? You don't have to have a good nose to smell that this was a dodgy prawn in your curry. Even Stevie could see this was not shaping up to be a great situation and got the penny to finally drop.

Gabes himself did not look happy about it but did he really need to take it out on poor Leyla? We had high hopes for a rekindled romance for The Geyla when she invited Gabes round for dinner. But after being rejected so coldly, Leyla's seems like she's fallen off of the wagon big time and the only dinners she'll be having in a while are going to be liquid. How long before the kids realise that her early nights are actually binges in disguise?

Elsewhere, friendships were being tested over at No. 18 when Robbie took advantage of his Special Robbie Discount to buy the salon on the cheap. But he can't do it alone, and you can always rely on Good Old Deek to save the day. But he hadn't reckoned on the business acumen and controlling powers of Will. Poor Deek didn't see it coming at all. And though we love Will and Robbie together, we have to say that Deek was speaking some pretty uncomfortable home truths. Hmm, Robbie, you might want to watch that one and his patronising couch-pats.

Next Week: Raymond fights back! But will the exterminators clear the rat in his roost? And it looks like Leyla's drinking is catching up with her.

Quote of the week:
Robbie: You like me, don't you?
Will: Robbie, everybody likes you. I love you.
Robbie: Well, that's good.
Will: Isn't it.

The True Story of Rebel Bob - Lover, Fighter, Queue Jumper....

2012-07-20T14:45:40+00:00

It's been a bittersweet few weeks for Wee Bob. Excited about prospective baby-ness (despite Stella's intensive procreation schedule), the pair overcame that rough patch when it turned out Stella was a healthy baby-making machine. Horrible then for Bob to discover that he is, as Molly so delicately put it, firing blanks. But it's a bit more complicated than that...Bob's little fellas aren't great at swimming and once they get there, well, they're in no fit state to do the deed. Cue some heart-wrenching moments as he struggles to tell his lovely lady wife the bad news. Not even jumping the queue at the Oyster gave him a chance to reveal the truth.

Trapped in a pincer movement between Matriarchal Mullens he eventually spilled the beans to Scarlett, who with all her customary tact, proceeded to tell just about everyone who'd listen in Shieldinch. Including our Stella ... Uh oh. Devastated Bob took his anger out on anything to hand...a spanner, the car bonnet. And then, in Shieldinch's answer to Bridget Jones, Stevie. In RC's very own Hugh Grant/Colin Firth tribute, these two were only broken apart from the hair-pulling and head-locking when our fave DC stepped in to break up the fisticuffs.

Understandably devastated, it took Stella to break him out of this reverie. This, people, is true love at work. They're at their best when they're together and babies or no babies, this pair deserve a break. Come on Baby-Gods-of-Fate, make it happen!

An interesting trivia fact though - did you know Wee Bob has never been in a spaceship? Strange, but true.

Slightly closer to home (though only slightly), Brighton looms large on the horizon for our Hayley. Brighton, near London? Well, only in relation to its distance from Glasgow Hayles! Should she follow love's true dream and move with Tasty Tom down south? Give up everything in Shieldinch for a new life near the beach? YES! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN?! GO! It took resident agony aunts Malcolm and Liz to kick things into focus and say 'Hayles, when it's right, it's right'. And there are some lovely cafes down there. Just sayin'. An initially devastated Robbie eventually decided to accept the inevitable and pulled out a classic from the Penguin Book of ClichÃ©s. We've all heard the classics - 'it's not you, it's me'; 'every cloud has a silver lining'. And his choice? 'Love doesn't come with a safety net'. So true. Trapeze does though, so if things with Tom don't work out maybe Hayles could consider a future in the circus?!

So, as if there wasn't enough change going on in Shieldinch this week...possibly the weirdest and most unnerving change of all was still to come. Shady Sean being...nice? Well this surely can't be right. Someone get that spaceship back down here...it's lost one of its passengers. (And we can try to get Wee Bob a ride, we like to make dreams come true.) It's always nice to bond with the local publican, but when the thing you've got in common is a shared hatred of Lenny Murdoch, it's not likely to end well. Even Gabe looked shaken by this new and frankly upsetting union. We've got bad feelings in our waters people!

Next week, Raymondo dsicovers the Ship in a terrible mess, and Robbie ponders over an offer he really shouldn't refuse!

Quote of the week:
Zinnie: Eileen put me in charge and I think you need to work.
Scarlett: Well, you carry on thinking, you need the practice.

Birds, Bees and Buffay - It's the Shieldinch Circle of Life

2012-07-13T10:57:50+00:00

After the traumatic events of this week's episode, it feels like a good time to take inspiration from that 20th century philosophical genius, Phoebe Buffay.

Sometimes, men love women. Sometimes, men love men.

And that's really all there is to it. But not for Paul and Ben, Shieldinch's local homophobic-pint-drinking thugs. Poor Robbie was up in court this week, faced with his nasty attackers, all smug in their cheap suits. Subjected to a right rollicking from the mean old barrister, our Robster was left feeling the cold hand of justice, as testimony from Hayles and Will got thrown out with the bath water. As Will rightly said, they wouldn't have met each other if it hadn't been for them....mmmm. We're stroking our metaphorical beards thoughtfully. Maybe Will isn't everything we hoped he'd be?

Here at RC Towers, we're beginning to wonder if Deek's worries might not be unfounded. In Robbie's darkest moments, Will could only let his anger get the better of him, pushing past Robbie and forcing him against an old rusty nail in the doorframe - health and safety first people! Will seems to have more faces than Big Ben right now - one minute playing caring cop with Robbie's friends, the next, he's denying touching a hair on pretty Robbie's head...we thought his violent streak was reserved for the likes of Shady Sean in fairly-public-places. After everything Poor Robbie's gone through, surely Will isn't turning on him too? When your fiance's more interested in chasing down dead bodies than being by your side in court, no amount of smoked salmon tartlets will smooth over those cracks. Lets just hope Will isn't about to get all Sue-Barker-with-a-bazooka on us...

Meanwhile, Leyla seems to have cleared the house of anything resembling alcohol (yes, even that old bottle of voddy hidden in her shoe). She's clearly having a bit of a struggle with this one, but still isn't ready to hold her hands up to the problem just yet. True, a quick drink after work is not the same as shooting up in an alleyway Leyla....but stashing bottles of vodka in the wardrobe and setting fire to the house is surely heading in the right direction! And was it really soda water in that glass?! We've all pulled that trick, and no one ever believes it! With Stevie and Nicole doubting her every word, will their tough love work? Or force Leyla back to where she started? To be fair, watching to make sure Leyla's not drinking might be the least of Nicole's worries. Stevie looks pretty handy with that tea towel...

Finally a bit of good news for Stella and Bob - looks like she's got the all clear on the baby-making front - phew! But they're still not preggers...so, what have they been doing wrong?! Stella's got every leaflet and sexual positions poster out there, she's timed their 'trying' to within an inch of their lives and pestered Poor Wee Bob til he broke. They can't still be in the dark about the birds and the bees?! Maybe all they need is some time, space and a bit of peace and quiet...not likely with Scarlett sneaking around making euphemistic references to sausages. If anything's going to kill the mood, it'll be that!

Next week, Bob's going to the doctor...and it's definitely not for that leg hanging off. And what's this, Tom's off down South? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Quote of the week:
Scarlett: Some folk take ages getting pregnant. Others just get up the duff before you can say 'babygrow'...

It's a Party for One and It's Not Going Well

2012-07-06T18:22:04+00:00

We've all done it, haven't we? Woken up and realized we'd sent that voicemail or message that we didn't mean to? Pranged that car and thought about just driving away? Danced around the living room to our favourite sexy tune getting quietly smashed all by ourselves? Yes, ok, we'll give you that - but all in the one night? Then followed by two bottles of wine with three quarters of a bottle of vodka? Leyla seems like she's really gone too far this week and is in some serious denial.

How on earth was she still standing? Her attempts to hide it from Nicole were pretty pitiful. And sneaking the bottle top off the table isn't really covering it up when she was blasting the music up full volume at 10 o'clock at night. She was also terrible at hiding the car accident as she stared intensely at Murray's damaged wagon in a public place. At the end of a very drunken day, even enabler Nicole was wavering at Leyla's mid-afternoon binge! Cleaning up your step-mum's vomit? Now that's dedication Nicole and Stevie. And after seeing Leyla sitting pounding back the vodka in floods of tears, it seems like things are going to get worse before they get better.

Speak of poor wee souls, awww, Iona. Her face was a picture when she saw her beloved Tom snatching some more kisses in the street with Hayley (though way to go guys - right in front of the mini-market is the BEST place to hide it). Even Robbie was offering to help Iona take a pop at Hayley as our two fabulous ladies fought it out over Tom. Their argument at the Ship almost looked like it was going to descend into catfight central with the poor guy sitting next to them at the bar pretending he couldn't hear a thing! But, being classy through and through, they'd barely been fighting a day before they made up. Hands up though if you were hoping for a Tom-Tug-of-War? Honest, now!

Liz and Malcolm, the couple that give us hope that true love knows no age, were being very sweet this week. Liz's admission that she's scared about Malcolm slipping away from her would have melted the hardest heart and, despite his doubts, Malcolm just couldn't let her down. With a bit of hesitation, his nifty piano skills came right back to him after just a look from Liz.

Just stray observations but who thinks "The Hungarian Clown" is the romantic film of the year? And our Deek's getting cheeky in his old age, what with cheerleaders making him 'think' and all.

Next week: Robbie has to face his attackers once more. Let's hope there'll be no more homophobic pints for them...in jail.

Quote of the week:
Murray: I don't want your money
Gabriel: You're not getting it. Bob is and you're getting your mid-life crisis tragic wagon brought back to its form glory.

Secrets, Lies and Games of Pool

2012-06-28T08:40:49+00:00

Isn't getting a new job meant to be a cause for celebration? Champagne popping, balloons and stuff....but Gabe's 'promotion' in this week's episode must be one of the worst ever. We're not sure how much of a step up it is from dodgy laptops to running prostitutes, but we're thinking Gabe should be feeling pretty hard done by here. At least before the worst he could get was a complaint about the sound card. Oh Gabe, what's gone wrong? But he wants out, it's mean Ole Lenny that won't let him escape...even though Lenny feels Gabe owes him, was this really what he had in mind? Poor Gabe's at the end of his tether, living a life in the criminal underworld is definitely not all it's cracked up to be. So what's his bright idea? Going to the police! Put down the Kool Aid and wake up Gabe - this can never end well!

The only upside to this whole situation is that Sir Gabe, our Knight in a Shining BMW, seems to be rearing his head again. As cray-cray as this situation is, Gabe genuinely wants to help these girls - if he has to be in this horrible place, the least he can do is try and keep them safe. Nice idea but he's playing a dangerous game though, Shady Sean doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would take betrayal very well....And what's this little spark between our Gabe and Angie? Just relief that they've found an ally in each other, or perhaps something more? Gabe did rather seem to be belittling his boudoir talents in front of her though...that's no way to kick things off, is it Gabe?! Maybe she'll be won over by his lovely hair.

One person who isn't susceptible to Gabe's charms is Luscious Liz, who gave him a sizeable piece of her mind after his outburst at a terrified Malcolm. Good on ya, Liz! Not only defending your man but giving Gabe an ultimatum to sort himself out. If only it was that easy...

But now ladies and gents, we return to our coverage of the world's most inept pool tournament, held today at the Tall Ship, Shieldinch. Seriously guys, if a misspent youth gives you anything it's a basic talent for pool. What with Robbie missing shots all over the place and Tom deliberately messing up to impress, what kind of gamesmanship is this? What's wrong with some good old fashioned competition? In fact, we challenge them to a game of pool right now. We've already put a pound on the table - it's on!

But what's this? Tom's missed shot was all a ruse to get our Hayles into his clutches!
We wouldn't mind our favourite Geek Chic fella kissing us roughly outside the Ship. Lucky girl Hayley. He probably deserved that slap, but she certainly didn't mind partaking in round two later on, did she? Could this be the beginning of a beautiful new thing for Hayley? Awww, we hope so!

But while Robbie is off playing pool, his fiancÃ© is chatting up Gabe at the bar. Ok, he's fishing for info, but 'How you doin'?' as an opening line Will?! That only ever works for Joey Tribbiani, and you know it.

Next week in Shieldinch - Quelle Surprise...Leyla's drunk again. How is the mini-market keeping up with her demand?!

Quote of the week:
Lenny: 'I've got your back'
Gabe: 'Then all I've got to worry about is my front'.

Dancing to the Jail House Ruckus

2012-05-24T11:18:18+00:00

Well that was a rollicking ride through the dark side of Shieldinch....all this tension and drama is going to have us in a right old state!

Brotherly love was in short supply this week with the long awaited return of Brodie the Elder. We finally got to catch a glimpse of Michael's life in prison. And boy, what a fetching sweatshirt! It's obviously tough for poor Mickey locked away in there but telling Gabe to get out of Weege town? Glasgow North Prison felt like the OK Corral for a second there as the two brothers butted heads...and fists butted faces. Michael must have started lifting the weights as soon as the gate closed. That was one cracking right hook...

But kids, learn Michael's lesson. Violence doesn't pay. As he inevitably found out at the hands of Shady Sean's henchmen. It's starting to look like the newest gangster on the block is really getting his claws out...first with Michael, then with Lenny! Stuck trying to protect all and sundry from harm, it seems like Sir Gabriel of Brodie is heading towards darker places. But at least he's still got Liz to polish the Arcade machines whenever he's out. Phew!

But Gabe didn't just get a mouthful from the troublesome trio of Michael, Sean and Lenny this week. Oh no. Leyla had to put her tuppence worth in too...it was obviously all a bit much for her as she downed another glass (or six) of wine during lunch with a bemused Zinnie. Bemused because her usual breezy bitchiness seems to be disturbed by this pesky sense of right and wrong and the unsettling, unfamiliar feeling of concern for someone other than herself. One part of her brain is telling her all those bottles in the recycling ain't right, the other is telling her to run to that ATM quick sharp whilst Leyla is three sheets to the wind! Zinster, we can see a conscience lurking somewhere in there. Will we ever see it again?! We can't deny that Leyla's got it tough over there, what with Conor missing his Uncle Gabe, and Nicole being...well...Nicole. But that's a darn dangerous slippery slope you're on Mrs B.

On the upside, romance isn't dead in Shieldinch...it's just gone digital! Loved up Robbie can't bear to see Hayley lonely (plus he's just dying to gush about The Big W whenever and wherever he can!) Watch out Cilla, there's a new matchmaking team in town - Robbie and, erm...Deek. No, we wouldn't fancy them setting us up either. Entrepreneurial athlete Hayley wasn't all that happy at first but when Robbie finally realised what an eejit he was being, his lovely words melted her heart. Aww Hayles, we want you to find a nice fella too! They've got hats on sale and we've got our eye on a bargain...

Next week: Leyla's been splashing out and Nicole's desperate to visit her banged up Daddy

Quote of the week:
Lenny: "Course he cannae keep his hands off his brother's wife! How's he gonnae keep a secret, eh?" Oooooh, burn.

Who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about? COOPER!

2012-05-17T10:45:47+00:00

Does anybody else think that Molly could be the next Bond villain with a laugh like that? That was one moustache-twist away from being maniacal when both Big Bob and Gabriel got on the receiving end of the Mollinator's sharp tongue. What a shame she couldn't cow down Shady Sean as well. We're not best pleased to see this nasty figure start to encroach on the good folk of Shieldinch. Judging by our very own Don Lenny's reaction to him, it seems like he's seriously bad news. So, Gabriel! What are you doing?! Shieldinch's last remaining adult male Brodie was not making the best kind of decisions this week when he got into bed (metaphorically) with this Sean character. Not to mention the foot-stomping strop he had when Lenny asked him to pick up his lucky suit. Come on guys, why are you fighting over your glad rags? You're supposed to be hard-living gangsters!

Here's hoping that dashing DC Cooper closes the net round the dastardly Sean sooner rather than later. Though he maybe needs a wee bit of practice sneaking up on people. Switching your mobile phone off is surely Rule No. 1 closely followed by Rule No. 2 - Don't let wee neds bash your head into a brick wall. Poor Will. He managed to make DCI Donald royally peeved with his off-the-cuff investigation techniques AND got some war wounds in the bargain. But the idea of his man in action made Robbie swoon with delight and rush home to tend to his manly scrape. It looks like the lovebirds are taking the next step and moving in together! Can't wait to see how Zinnie and Deek get along with this new arrangement.

But speaking of trouble brewing, it looks like Big Bob's self-esteem hasn't improved since last week's pity-hire from Iona. With Tattie looking stunning in her new birthday top, all our favourite mini-market cashier wanted to do was hide away from the world. And who hasn't had that horrible moment when we walk into the pub and feel like everybody's laughing at us. Here's hoping the big yin is feeling perkier about himself next week. We know you can do it, Bob!

Coming up next week: Stop the presses!! Did we hear that Michael Brodie is back?!

Quote of the week
MOLLY: You better get changed before a button flies off and takes somebody's eye oot. Ahahahahahaha! AAAhahahahahahaha! AAAAAhahahahahahaha!!

This week's blog was brought to you by guest editors MAMY.

Episode VI: The Return of the Burns

2012-05-09T13:18:54+00:00

So, random poll, who else was very excited to see Stevie Burns back on the streets of Shieldinch? Need we ask?! The cheeky-chappy-recovering-druggie was back and with a spring in his step in search of his beloved Nicole. Though, don't know about you, but Stevie's idea of romance left a little something to be desired. Sure, his heart was in the right place but his idea to attack-gift Nicole with a bunch of flowers in the middle of the street was more alarming than anything else. Surprise!!!!!! Anyone else would have had a heart attack but our Nicole didn't bat an eyelid. No one's sneaking up on her.

But poor Stevie. He had such big plans! Moving on with his life. Sprucing up his new bachelor pad with some fake leather sofas, a shag rug and a velour dressing gown (for the laaadies). And he's not home five minutes before Nicole's dragging him into her crazy domestic situation with the Geyla. Nicole went off the uber-brat scale when she discovered her step mum and Gabriel happened to be breathing the same oxygen and slapped the face off Leyla! Tsk, tsk Nicole. You packed an impressive backhand but where did it get you? Promptly kicked out with naught but your stylish hoodie and skinny jeans, that's where. Nicole's woe-is-me-woe-is-me routine was getting a tad old, especially when she turned on her beloved Stevie just for questioning her slap-happy attitude. We will admit that it was more than a little satisfying to see Stevie call her on what she was - a spoilt wee brat! Finally!

In other news, the Geyla are at it again! Who saw that coming? Although, it did not look as though a good time was being had by all. Sir Gabriel of Brodie gave the afternoon delight an overall rating of 'average'. Ouch! That made even us wince and poor Leyla was lost for words. She made so much effort as well with her fluffy blue dressing gown and wine breath. She also continued to be the worst adulteress ever and immediately confessed to an uncomfortable looking Stevie. Listening to his girlfriend's step mum talk about her sex life probably wasn't part of his just-released celebration plans. But he is nothing if not a miracle worker for getting Leyla and Nicole back on speaking terms. Here's hoping the Brodie household becomes a bit less fraught with him around (but who are we kidding.)

Elsewhere in Shieldinch, the winds of change were in the air. Big Bob has a new job working with Iona in the mini-market! The dream team are back together and tackling major social issues like OAP shoplifting. Molly, we salute you and your brave determination not to let age stand in the way of petty larceny. In fact, her attempt was so outstanding we're surprised Bob didn't let her away with it just on gumption alone! Poor Big Bob though. He has a new job and the love of good old Nurse Tattie but you could see the sadness in his face when he realised Iona gave him the job out of pity. Buck up, Bob! We know you can change your life for the better.

Speaking of new jobs, Murray's dream job came up and he asked Raymond to help him realise his ambition to be a bearded loner who manages fish.....really? Wow. Thankfully, Raymond took a leaf out of Stevie's book and gave it to him straight. Good job too. We like seeing Murray and his fancy car probably wouldn't have matched his Stornoway water bailiff hut.

And, awwwww. Poor Dan and Kelly-Marie, we hardly knew ye as a couple. It's sad to see them call it a day but our Kel and Dan were being dead responsible and putting their kids first. But you know what this means.....Doctor Dan is back on the market.

Coming up next week: The cops have set their eyes on Shady Sean and Big Bob doesn't look like he's amused at all. And did we see our Robbie getting dumped??!! Whit?!

Quote of the week.
GABRIEL: What? You think you can turn me on and off like a tap?

Town of Zeros by Charlie Bowie

2012-03-21T14:40:46+00:00

Michael Brodie was once a carefree Glasgow Tour Guide who's biggest worry was whether to smooch is girlfriend in the art gallery or the transport museum. But Michael was destined for greater things - he conquered a medical degree and became a war hero in Afghanistan. After the glory of war he found himself in the seedy town of Shieldinch where nothing is ever as it seems, danger lurks round every corner and you can't trust anyone, not even your wife. This is the story of a hero in a town full of zero's fighting against fate...

"A masterpiece! Proof that when life throws you lemons, make a gin and tonic." The Shieldinch Review

"D:Ream told us that things can only get better, Bowie tells us: that's a load of crap." The Mossgreen Journal

Eh, what do you think? A bestseller in the making?! Ahem, maybe not, I should probably stick to my day job which is erm, writing mildly amusing blogs! Back to it then....

Chapter 1 - Death of a Pimp

Wow, what an episode! I must say I thought it was pretty darn brilliant this week. Talk about a bad day - Michael found out his wife was having an affair and then got arrested for murdering Cam the Bam! He didn't have much chance of getting away with murder; he was the worst criminal EVER!! Now, I ain't no expert in covering my tracks but when you're the prime suspect in an assault it's probably not the most sensible idea to walk across the street in front of DC Grant looking really suspicious, carrying a large black bin bag! Nice one Doc! It's also sensible to say as little as possible to the copper and certainly not continually land yourself in it - be cool man. And see when the polis bring you in for questioning, don't just blurt out "Aye it was me" - let them work for it!! Ah Mick, you should of called me, I'd of kept you right! But, Doctor Brodie didn't call me and as a result he's in jail. I can't see any easy way out of this for him so I'm afraid it's farewell to Michael Brodie for now.

Chapter 2 - The Godmother vs The Godfather

So creepy, freaky Auld Agnes is having money troubles and she ain't too proud to take a hand out from a clueless Lenny Murdoch. She really is a nasty old bat, no wonder Vivifran is messed up, who wouldn't be with a mother like that! Now that Vivifran has put her foot down and professed her love for Lenny it looks the auld bat is ready to take matters into her own hands. And did you see the sneak peek of next week? It would appear that her evil plan involves Lenny's little grandson Callum -she wouldn't be evil and crazy enough to harm a 3 year old child... surely... erm... would she?

Chapter 3 - The Author and the Serving Wench

Annie's not really a wench, I just like to use the word wench. It was Charlie's birthday and as we all know, birthdays get you thinking! So, Charlie decided it was time to take the bull by the horns, he proposed to Annie and whisked her away to go travelling around the world. He is even contemplating a sequel to that bestseller 'Town of Zeros' - that's got movie deal written all over it. I had tear in my eye when Charlie proposed to Annie, it was very sweet and his wee face was soooo cute. And that's farewell to the lovely couple! I'm sad to see them go but they've had a lovely happy ending to their story.

Whatever you do, do not miss next week's episode, it's the grand finale of Series 7 and as I mentioned before, Agnes will be exacting her terrible revenge on Lenny and there's more trouble in store for the Brodie clan - seriously, if you thought things couldn't get worse for Michael you were very wrong!

Raging bull unleashed!

2012-03-15T18:25:28+00:00

Well, that was quite a shocker wasn't it? Michael finally got his hands on Cam the Bam with terrible results. It was only a matter of time until Michael's temper got him into trouble though - I don't call him Raging Bull for nothing! Looking at all the Facebook comments, a lot of people seem to be on his side, it's a tough one , if your daughter was missing and you came across the guy who was trying to turn her into a prostitute, what on earth would you do?! And what does this mean for the good Doctor? Will he get away with it or is a trip to the big hoose on the cards? Personally I'd like to see him make a return to the Tour Guide profession, far less stressful. Make sure you watch next week to find out!

While Cam the Bam was terrifying Christina and getting bludgeoned by Michael, Nicole was nowhere to be seen. The last we saw of her she was hitchhiking and getting into a big lorry - where on earth is she? Thankfully it wasn't her in the morgue but it cannae be sensible to be getting into cars with strange men! Will she ever come home?

And while Michael was playing the Raging Bull, identifying bodies in the morgue and trying to kill pimps, his wife Leyla was coming to an important decision...she's going to leave her husband for his brother Gabriel. She's got her priorities right hasn't she? But even missing children cannot stop the course of true love and Gabe did melt my heart slightly in this episode. It was his wee face when Leyla said that she still loved Michael, he looked so hurt! Awww. But I ain't gonna feel too sorry for him, he is having sexy time with his sister-in-law after all.

Elsewhere, Fran the Kiss-A-Scam was doing a lot of kissing but not a lot of scamming. What has happened to the Frances I was starting to become accustomed too? There was a time when she worried about things like: how can I get my evil revenge for the murder of my brother, should I kill Lenny or just maim him, how many men can I stun with my eeeeeevil kissing today and should I make a sex tape. Nowadays all she's worried about is blue rinses and whether or not she should accompany Lenny to the cemetery. Come on Frances hen, what you playing at and what on earth is your scary maw gonna do when she realises you've gone soft?! Well looking at next week's preview, it seems like she's about to come clean to Lenny, eh, good luck with that. I reckon Lenny will be reaching for his own metal pole if he discovers her true identity.

Also coming up next week, find out the fates of Michael, Cammy and Nicole and Auld Agnes is indeed back on the scene! I cannae wait!

Quote of the Week
Robbie: "I once went oot wae a guy who was into cemeteries. We used to wait 'til it got dark, jump the gate and share a carry oot amongst the heidstones."
Hayley: "Eh, sounds lovely."
Robbie "Oh aye, it was dead exciting...but then he started talking about breaking into funeral parlours. I just says tae him, listen pal, noo yer just being weird."

Something brewing doon at the broo...

2012-03-08T13:35:20+00:00

Does anyone else think that Kelly-Marie and Dan are flogging a deid horse? She's the type of gal that signs on the dole while she actually has a job and he's the type of bloke that watches the Tour De France and lectures people about wearing helmets! Although I don't know why Kelly-Marie was wasting money on a magician when she has Dan around, did you see those magic tricks? I mean he pulled a pound coin out of Callum's ear! Astounding! However, the biggest trickster of all is Lenny who grassed on Kelly-Marie for benefit fraud only so that he could blame Dan and impress Kelly-Marie with the expensive lawyer he gave her. Oh what a complicated fellow he is!!

Cam the Bam really is an evil little weasel, I really dislike that boy. Not only is he trying to groom Nicole into prostitution, it turns out that he also has a girlfriend - Angie - who already works as a prostitute for him. Oh and Angie also takes regular beatings off the utterly charming Cammy, isn't he just such a nice fella? But hallelujah, Nicole finally realised that Cam is nowt but a bam and she made her escape... escape via hitchhiking and getting picked up in a lorry dressed like a tart...erm oh dear. What has she got herself into now?!

In addition to prostituting and beating girls, Cammy is also a knife wielding thief. He swanned into The Tall Ship looking for Stevie's old money stash and ended up holding a knife against Eileen's neck and demanding access to the safe. It turned into a bit of a showdown in the bar but luckily Gabriel is also a secret magician - he is able to transform an ordinary looking door into a lethal weapon! Just as Cammy was about to escape - shazam, Gabriel squished him with the door. Annoyingly, Cam the Bam managed to get free and ran off, but not before getting a cheeky wee stab at Lenny's arm! Stabbing Lenny Murdoch? That cannot be a sensible move.

Coming up next week, Cam the Bam gets even more evil and Michael goes into meltdown. It's set to get very dark indeed...

Quote of the Week
Scarlett: "Raymond's helping Murray with his mid-life crisis, boys day oot more like, wonder why they never asked you?"
Jimmy: "Just lucky I guess!"